So, the last two times I attempted to make popcorn, it was a disaster. I am speaking not of the microwave popcorn I make at home; nor of the delicious Hanover Center Fair popcorn. Yes, I fucked up popcorn at the movie theatre. The first time I messed it up was when I didn’t notice the oil vat that the machine is hooked up to was empty. So, the kernels just kept on spinning in the popper, a few popping, mostly just getting burned and gross. Then, yesterday, somehow the drum that pops the corn got out of alignment, and the oil missed it completely, draining into the area that holds the popcorn, and getting all over the machine itself. This resulted in a day-long project in which the manager had to disassemble, clean, and re-assemble the popper. Leaving us with three bags to open with today. Ooops? So, today, I was determined. Today was going to be the day that I conquered the popper and make bags upon bags without destroying the popcorn or the machine. Challenge accepted. And completed.
I felt awful when I messed up the first time. Downright shameful yesterday. My quest for perfection extends to all facets of my life, and it can be a good thing (I rocked the popper today, motherfuckers!) or it can be bad (I try too hard to please everyone, resulting is sucking at a social life). I cannot accept the fact that I am imperfect. It gnaws at me daily, and as much as I try to suppress the anxiety caused by this, I can’t. So, I wind up trying so hard, I become a spazz, and say things that I regret, and fuck up all my relationships. Why? Because I care too much what people think of me.
Wouldn’t it be great if I could just turn off the “caring” switch? If I could just stop feeling altogether, become a sociopath, even if only for a few days? Maybe a few weeks… Then it wouldn’t hurt so much when I fuck it all up. I could just shrug it off, walk away, and move on. Guess I wouldn’t learn anything that way, though…
The past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of internalizing and looking at myself over the past few years. Who I was, where I have gone, who I have become, and truthfully? I’m not sure if I’m much better off than I was four years ago. There are some areas that have grown, for sure (my confidence, for one), but I haven’t really changed that much; and some of the changes I’ve seen, I don’t care for. So, this next year, while I work my butt off and save my money, and get ready for that next step, I am going to try and be more positive, and focus on being a happier person. Because miserable people rarely come out on top. And truthfully? I like being on top.