I have been thinking a lot. Too much, probably. Trying to figure out when I just gave up. I gave up on love, on my friends, on me. I somehow believed the lies my depression told me. That I wasn’t worthy of love. That I was nothing but a burden to my friends and family. That I was not worth much of anything. I wish I could pinpoint the moment I just threw my hands up in the air and washed myself clean of me.
Slowly, I have been trying to put myself back together. I tell myself daily that depression lies. That those close to me never saw me as a burden. That I deserve all of the wonderful things life has to offer me. But the problem is that the lies are easier to believe. They don’t come from within me, they come from some deep dark place I battle every day. And when I tell myself the good things, it feels completely fake.
I have been avoiding friends and family, turning more and more inward. Afraid to admit to them that I bought into it. I fell for the lies. I am weak. I am surrounded by some of the strongest people out there – what would they think of me when I admit that the reason I have pushed them away is because I believe with all my heart that I am just not good enough for them to waste their time with me. That I have nothing to contribute to them – they are all better off with smarter, prettier, more interesting people than myself. That I am too weak to be in the same vicinity as they are.
I don’t take the initiative to reach out and contact people. I am horrendous about getting back to those who reach out to me. Because I have no right to. How I manage to be in a grown-ass relationship is beyond me. But it has helped me to break through the web of lies ever so slightly.
I want to rejoin life. I want to get in touch with everyone I have neglected over the past few years. Myself included. I want to believe, truly believe that I have every right to be in people’s lives. I am hoping once my insurance at my new job kicks in that I will be able to find professional help, but for now I am slowly pushing depression away (and I mean slowly) by reaching out to those who I have pushed away. Please do not give up on me. I mean, I wouldn’t blame you if you did. But I promise – I will do better. It may not seem like much of a promise, but for now it’s all I can offer. To you and me.