Saying Goodbye

            Well, I did it.  Yesterday, I applied to graduate school.  My application to Chapman University’s M.A. in Film Studies program is now in God’s and the admission office’s hands.  I should be feeling all weightless and shit.  But now the waiting begins.  First, waiting to see if the two recommendations and my transcript make it there on time.  Then, waiting to find out if the next step is in Southern California or not.  And let’s face it – waiting is not something I do well.

            Stalling, however, is a skill which I have honed for years.  I had chosen Chapman over a month ago.  I had sort of started my essays with ample time, contacted people for recommendations, all the while telling myself “you’ve got plenty of time!”  Then November hit.  Well, fuck.  I have one month to get my shit together.  But I was dragging my heels.  Why?  Well, there was the fear factor (what if I don’t get in?!).  But really, it was quite simple – before I could begin this next step in my life, I had to say goodbye to previous ones.

            My boyfriend and I traveled to my alma mater, Keene State College, this week.  I wanted to show off the campus, introduce him to people; treat him to the Dining Commons.  But something felt off.  I felt like I was intruding on a world that I no longer belonged in.  Then I realized why I’d wanted to go back to Keene so badly.  I wanted to say goodbye.

            During my four years at Keene, I made some friends, got involved and connected and found a home in ResLife.  I worked my butt off academically, and finished with a GPA just shy of honors.  Still a sore spot, but also something to be very proud of.  But being so much older than the rest of the students (combined with severe social anxiety/awkwardness), I always felt like an intruder of sorts.  Like I didn’t really belong there.  And in a way, I was right.  I will always cherish the time I spent there, but the illusion of belonging has been shattered. 

            Once I was able to say goodbye, I was able to complete my application to Chapman without hesitation.  I can now only hope that it was not in vain, and this is the next step.