This has been a strange couple of months for me. I have grown increasingly dissatisfied with
my job, and doing a lot of soul-searching (a term which I am beginning
to tire of). This past week was the RA
selection season at my alma mater. It’s
weird being entirely removed from the process.
I started to think about my time as an RA, and tried to figure out where
it all went so terribly, terribly wrong.
I came to the realization that I was a horrible RA. Indeed, I totally sucked at it, and the fact
that I thought I could continue in that line of work is astounding to me. But, why was I so awful at it? Was it because I cared so much in the
beginning that I let myself down? Was it
because I had the wrong idea of what my position was? Was it because I was too old? I think it was a combination of these
things. Then there was the other factor:
my perfectionist curse.
I wanted to badly to be the best, I never tried to be my
best. I wanted to be the best RA ever,
and never took the time to truly evaluate my strengths and weaknesses, to be
the best I could be. I never made
the position mine, I just kept pushing myself to be that ideal I had in my
head. What I wouldn’t give to start
over. But, short of installing a flux
capacitor on my car, that is not going to happen. So, I move on.
This need to be the best extends to every other aspect of my
life, as well. I keep telling myself
that everyone has that one thing that they do better than anyone – baking,
cooking, writing, drawing, listening to problems, math, science, you name
it. I feel like I’m just adequate at a
lot of things, but not the “best” at anything.
When other people I know cook or bake, I see it as instant competition. And I am terrified to share my stuff with
them because I know it will fall short.
I don’t like sharing my writing because there are so many better writers
out there. Hell, I have a hard time
playing video games with my boyfriend because he’s amazing at it, and I am so
not.
I had all these resolutions this year, all of which were
skirting the main issue – I need to accept my imperfections, asses what can and
cannot be adjusted, and really focus on being the best Beth I can be. Whatever that means. I cannot continue to focus on this idea of
perfection. I am incredibly stubborn,
and so used to seeing myself in a certain way, it will not be easy to change my
way of thinking, but it has to be done.
It is going to be a slow and painful process, but I am blessed to have
wonderful, supportive people around me to help guide me through.
For those of you who were just hired/given an alternate spot
at KSC, let me give you this one piece of advice: be the best RA you can
be. Acknowledge the influences of past
RAs (either the inspirational “I want to be like them!”, or the “I can do so
much better”, which I’m sure former residents of mine probably think), but
don’t let it dictate who you will be.
Don’t suck at the job because you didn’t allow yourself to find your own
way. Basically, don’t be like me.
I am throwing away my resolutions. Except for the one I made to write a page a
day. That’s a good challenge. And I’m sort of following
through. But rather, I am focusing on
the whole person, not just a few areas in desperate need of improvement. I always was a good big-picture thinker.
