Magic

As most of you probably know, I work in a movie theatre.  It’s not the fanciest theatre – far from it.  We have six theatres crammed into a small space, a lobby that, on a major opening weekend can at times feel about as large as a residence hall room, and out of date décor.  But hey, a movie is a movie, and most don’t need a particularly shiny box to play in.

What some people don’t know is that I “grew up” in this theatre.  I was there the night it opened – Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure was playing.  Of course, everything sold before we could even catch a glimpse of the lobby through the glass doors.  So, we went home and came back after things had calmed down a bit.

The movie theatre played a major part in my life.  Driving home from shopping in West Lebanon, we’d always make sure to drive by the theatre to see what movies were listed on the sign, often having a good chuckle over the funny abbreviations and combination of titles they’d put up there (“Die Hard Bambi” is still a personal favourite).  I got to see re-releases of classic Disney animated features with my family, anything I could get into with my friend Susan in elementary school (to this day when I have to card someone for a ‘R’ rated movie, I remember the time we were denied access to Parenthood – it was PG-13, and I was only 11), and when I was older going on holidays with my sister when we just needed to get out of the house.

I saw Sneakers with a group of friends, and had my first (and only) experience of the projectionist having threaded and run the wrong movie.  It was also one of the few times I hung out with a group of my peers and didn’t feel like the odd one out.  When Titanic opened, I was there opening night.  When The Wizard of Oz was re-released fore the 60^th Anniversary, I sat in the theatre of my youth, watching the movie of my childhood.

Over the years, the theatre has fallen into disrepair.  The carpets are rundown and worn from the hundreds of moviegoers seeking a few hours of escape from their lives.  The concession stand is dated (the same one I used to buy candy from as a child).  And even though I spend most of my time there, even though I have seen where the magic comes from in the projection booth (I even get to run the projectors some nights!), and even though I know all about the business end… when I come in to see a movie, as soon as I walk down that long, dark hallway, open the door and choose my seat, it is all magical again.  I still catch my breath as the lights dim, and the “click, click, click” of the projector can be heard.  Sadly, that is soon a thing of the past, as now all theatres (including mine eventually) are being forced into the digital age.  But, that is a rant for another time.

Yes, I work in a small, run-down theatre in an age of fancy theatres with stadium lounge chairs and full-on meals out of their concession stands.  But truly, when the sparkly packaging is stripped away, you are still left with entertaining stories being played out on a screen in a dark room; yes, when you strip away all the fanciness, you are left with magic.

Ritual Sacrifice. With Pie.

Happy Thanksgiving!  As a student of history, I could go on about how as a society, we collectively lie about that first Thanksgiving, direct you to articles and documentaries about the history of Thanksgiving, but really?  Who cares.  Today is a day we stop for a moment, look at where we are at, and take note of the things we are thankful to have.  And then we partake in a ritual sacrifice.  With pie. (It’s a Buffy reference.  You’re welcome). 

So, this year, before I indulge in all the foods, I will share what I am thankful for in my life.

Ø      My Family.  My family has been here for me throughout all my craziness, and hasn’t given up on me yet.  My parents have always taken me in when I need a roof over my head, and have loved me unconditionally my whole life.  They have been patient with me, supportive, and proud of my accomplishments.  This includes my sister and my niece, whom I adore.  I am always especially grateful to have my niece in my life – she was a big reason that I not only went to college, but worked so hard and graduated.  She provides endless entertainment and is so full of love and light.  Yes, I am very thankful for my wonderful family.

Ø      My Friends.  My friends are right up there with family.  The ones that truly matter have also stuck with me, even during my crazy periods.  They have offered shoulders to cry on, ears to listen with, and laughter aplenty.  If I was ever away from home during a holiday, they took me in so I wouldn’t be alone.  I have always been one who doesn’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I have are truly special and amazing.  Y’all know who you are.

Ø      My Job.  I bitch and moan about my job all the time, but the fact that my bosses think I am capable of running a movie theatre when they’re all away instills such confidence in me.  I have learned a thing or two about the film industry from the theatre’s point of view, and have been lucky enough to get to work with the film projectors before they are retired for good.  I have also been given the opportunity to continue to use the leadership skills learned during my time in ResLife.  And in this economy, having a job at all is truly a blessing.  Especially one that will help me in my future plans.  And free movies?  Hell yeah.

Ø      My College Experience.  I graduated college this year.  Thusfar, the greatest accomplishment of my life.  Not only am I thankful for having the perseverance to push through that last semester, I am thankful for the entire four years I spent at Keene.  I grew so much, I can’t even say.  I am forever grateful and thankful for the fact that ResLife not only took a chance on me initially, but kept me around for three years.  I was never the perfect RA, but I tried, and came out the other side a new confident woman.

Ø      My Boyfriend.  I know, I know.  I’m that girl.  But truly.  I have been in some ok relationships, some good ones (that I screwed up), and some downright bad ones.  This has been the most honest and real relationship I’ve ever been in.  He is unbelievably supportive of me and my goals.  He makes me feel beautiful and desirable.  And he makes me laugh.  A lot.  He is a decent guy who has his own goals and drive, who is thoughtful of others and just a lot of fun to be around.  He’s also super cute. J  I am also very thankful for our mutual friend Blair, who threw the shindig at which we met, and who talked us both down from ledges when we thought we’d messed up before we’d even had our first date! 

There are a lot of things to be thankful for today.  These are merely a few.  So, take the day, relax and reflect.  Enjoy your feasting, and your families.  For those who are stuck working (as I will be later today), hey, at least we have jobs! 

And for those who are partaking in the insanity that is Black Friday, try to remember the spirit of the day – it started as the day people kicked off their Christmas shopping, to find gifts for friends and loved ones.  Not the day to get out there and buy, buy, buy for themselves.  If you are out shopping for you, try to remember to pick up a little something for someone else.  

Saying Goodbye

            Well, I did it.  Yesterday, I applied to graduate school.  My application to Chapman University’s M.A. in Film Studies program is now in God’s and the admission office’s hands.  I should be feeling all weightless and shit.  But now the waiting begins.  First, waiting to see if the two recommendations and my transcript make it there on time.  Then, waiting to find out if the next step is in Southern California or not.  And let’s face it – waiting is not something I do well.

            Stalling, however, is a skill which I have honed for years.  I had chosen Chapman over a month ago.  I had sort of started my essays with ample time, contacted people for recommendations, all the while telling myself “you’ve got plenty of time!”  Then November hit.  Well, fuck.  I have one month to get my shit together.  But I was dragging my heels.  Why?  Well, there was the fear factor (what if I don’t get in?!).  But really, it was quite simple – before I could begin this next step in my life, I had to say goodbye to previous ones.

            My boyfriend and I traveled to my alma mater, Keene State College, this week.  I wanted to show off the campus, introduce him to people; treat him to the Dining Commons.  But something felt off.  I felt like I was intruding on a world that I no longer belonged in.  Then I realized why I’d wanted to go back to Keene so badly.  I wanted to say goodbye.

            During my four years at Keene, I made some friends, got involved and connected and found a home in ResLife.  I worked my butt off academically, and finished with a GPA just shy of honors.  Still a sore spot, but also something to be very proud of.  But being so much older than the rest of the students (combined with severe social anxiety/awkwardness), I always felt like an intruder of sorts.  Like I didn’t really belong there.  And in a way, I was right.  I will always cherish the time I spent there, but the illusion of belonging has been shattered. 

            Once I was able to say goodbye, I was able to complete my application to Chapman without hesitation.  I can now only hope that it was not in vain, and this is the next step.

Four More... What?

So, today was Election Day.  This was my fifth presidential election.  Starting in 1996, I voted (absentee) for Bill Clinton.  2000, Al Gore; 2004 John Kerry; 2008 Barack Obama.  This year, I voted once again for Obama.  Why?  Because I don’t like anyone treating me, or any other citizens of the United States, like a second class unimportant person. 

There are people who wonder why we should even vote.  I don’t know about everyone else, but I have always had a hard time expressing my opinion.  Mostly because I have thought for a long time that my opinion doesn’t matter.  But voting is one way that I get to voice my opinion; to quietly stand up for myself and what I believe in.  Please do not confuse quiet for passive – exercising your right to vote is anything but passive. 

If you are someone who is disenfranchised or uninformed and is exercising your right to not vote today, this is your decision, and I respect that.  However, in this day and age it is not difficult to not only find information, but to find ways to process and understand the information you have found, and that excuse will only fly so far.  Find the issues that matter to you, and choose the side that supports your opinions and values, whatever they may be.  Don’t let others browbeat you into voting one way or another, because in the end whatever you do at those polling stations is between you and whatever higher power you believe in (if any) and that is that.  I voted how I felt was the right way for me and my personal beliefs and values today.  In the future, I encourage everyone else to do the same.

And on a lighter note, if all else fails, vote like this guy:

'Til the Storm Passes By

A couple of Sundays ago, we sang one of my favourite hymns as the choir anthem.  It is called “’Til the Storm Passes By”.  Not only is the melody just great fun to sing, the lyrics are very meaningful to me.  My whole life, there has been a tornado raging in my head, winds taking thoughts and whipping them around so fast that I can’t always catch them.  Lightening and thunder drown out the good thought and provide amplification to the bad.  But every now and then, I remember the words to this hymn, and the storm calms just long enough for me to breathe, relax, and continue on my path. 

The past couple of days I have been thinking about this song as a massive “Super Storm” has been winding its way up the East Coast.  As is often the case in times like this, humour has been getting people through, while funny memes and Twitter accounts circulate our virtual lives.  It is easy for those of us a little more removed from it to laugh about the situation, but when it starts to hit closer to home, the laughter is silenced.  I myself was in denial about just how bad it would be, until last night when I saw images of my beloved New York City being downright devastated in some areas.

I was then infuriated at the current students at my alma mater bitching and moaning about having to attend their classes tomorrow.  Yes, a day off every now and then was always welcome, especially in the dead of winter when it was always preferable to hole up under the covers and order Dominos then to schlep to class.  But in this case, where the worst they got was some wind and heavy rain, it was downright petty whining.  There are people who have lost so much in just one day, who may have lost jobs and loved ones.  Who may not be able to pay for college because of the damage this storm has caused.  Count yourselves lucky that you are not one of those people.  That you were kept safe and sound, and that you are able to resume your lives and your education without issue. 

Today the storm is moving on, it will eventually be stopped and there will be calm.  In the aftermath, in the bigger, emotional storm to follow as people try to put their lives back together again, just remember.  It, too, will pass and you will once again find that calm.  Until then, may some of you find the same comfort I have found in this song. 

New and Exciting

If anyone had told me a year ago that I would be living at home, working as a supervisor at a movie theatre, and dating an amazing man now, I would have given them a healthy dose of “Man, you CRAZY!”  But here I am.  Nowhere near where I thought I would wind up.  But surprisingly content.  For now.

Do I still want more?  You bet.  I have decided to apply for grad school in the field of film studies, with the ultimate intent of being a professor.  But now there’s this guy.  This guy who makes me beyond happy.  He makes me laugh, makes me feel beautiful and special, he listens when I talk and values my opinion.  He has taken the time to get to know me.  We can be absolutely ridiculously silly together, and still have a real conversation.  So far, even with the usual little bumps, this has been very easy and natural.  Even when we have told each other things we know are hard to say/hear.  I don’t live in fear that if I say one wrong thing, everything will fall apart, a problem I had with many of my past relationships.  There is no walking on eggshells here.  What he sees is what he gets, and so far (for whatever insane reason) he likes what he sees.  This is no new and foreign to me. 

The thing is, we haven’t been together all that long.  Only known each other existed for about 6 weeks.  Only been dating for about a month.  But it feels like we’ve known each other for ages.  And not in a bad way.  There was this connection that neither of us could pinpoint, and still can’t.  It’s not intense in the cinematic sense, it’s just there.  And for the first time in my relationship-having life, my relationship is the one thing that I am not worried about.  Money?  Absolutely.  My career?  Yup.  Grad School?  Uh-huh.  But my relationship?  Nope.  The only thing that is up in the air is where I go to grad school, and how that will effect us, but like the grown-ass people we are, it is an ongoing discussion and something we will deal with when the time comes.  When did I stumble into a real relationship?  The hell?

So what about the things I am worried about?  Fuck if I know.  I do know that I have made the right choice, grad school studies-wise.  Cutting ResLife out (for now) still stings, but I know that it was what I needed to do.  For the first time, I get excited about the curriculum and programs offered in the film studies programs.  This is my passion, and I am going to go after it no matter what.  My only regret is that I didn’t have that “Ah-Ha!” moment sooner!

Shorten the Path

I have made a decision.  It was not an easy one at all.  But, I am no longer going to pursue the ResLife career path.  It was never my end game, anyway, and I have decided to just focus on that.  And what is that, you ask?  First, let me tell you about my initial plan…

The plan was to go to grad school and get a Masters in Student Affairs/Higher Ed with a focus in Residence Life.  From there, I was going to get a gig as an RD, and get a masters in History.  After all that, I wanted to apply to the Film Studies PhD program at Harvard.  The end goal was to be a film studies/history professor at a small to midsize, liberal arts college, not unlike Keene State College, while serving as a liaison between Academcs and Student Affairs.

A lot of work, a lot of school, a lot of years.  

Since I’ve been removed from ResLife, I realized that this is not how I want to go about things.  That I can still be a professor and be involved in the “other end of campus” without having been more than an RA and involved in some student organizations.  I still want the opportunity to be a mentor and teacher, but I would rather go at it academically than in the Residence Halls.  It is easier to connect with people who share your passion than not. 

I am also taking my age into consideration.  When I was a fulltime student in the thick of it, I was able to relate to them, albeit the “what the fuck are you thinking?!” thought danced through my head on a regular basis.  But there was always a little bit of a distance, and the older I get, the more that distance will grow.  Also, I m 34 years old.  I don’t want to be 45 before I set foot in a classroom. 

So, I did what any normal person these days would do – I posted on Facebook.  I asked for suggestions of what I should do.  And Crystal asked me a question that gets asked a lot – what are you passionate about?  The first thing that came to mind was film and writing.  That was my wake-up call.  That the end goal I’d been planning should be the focus, and I need to shorten the path to it – not meander around in circles to get there.

I want to be a Film Historian.  I want to study, watch, analyze and write about films.  I want to teach Film History, and a course on the use of history in films.  It is what I have wanted since Freshman year of college, I just got distracted a little.

I will be forever grateful for everything I got out of ResLife.  I am a more confident, well-put together person because of my time as an RA.  The people I have met over the years will always be in my life, one way or another.  I would not have had the experience I had in college if it were not for being an RA.  I will continue to be supportive of and loyal to Residence Life and the Student Affairs programs that exist, because they are so important to the college experience, and changed my life.  But my role now is just that – one of support. 

I have found the next step, and I am certain of it at this moment.  I am looking at grad schools for film studies, and instead of being stressed about it, I am excited.  That’s gotta be a good sign, right?